Hello, my name is Michael Haase, and I haven’t believed in myself in some time.
Shit just got serious, I know. But it has to be. Not all-out serious, mind you, I still am who I am, I’m just motivating myself to pull my shit together and get healthy.
For my wife.
For my children.
But first and foremost, for me.
IT’S TIME TO KICK SOME ASS!!!
I have to admit that my family is a high factor in the motivation department, however. My children are only tiny. They are too small to get away from me, and I can still pick them both up and haul them upstairs to bed at the same time when they get crazy near bedtime. But, they’re not getting any smaller. It’s me who needs to get smaller.
How would I rate my health right now? Not too bad, actually. I’m technically obese at 213 pounds, but only just barely. I can run three miles at a 9-10 minute/mile pace. I haven’t smoked a cigarette in over three years. I occasionally do yoga rather poorly. So, all in all, I’m not in a bad place right now. I’ve fought hard to get here, though. “Fighting hard” meaning both that I’ve fought hard to get healthy and I’ve fought hard to be unhealthy, both at different times.
I’ve realized three things about myself:
- I can do amazing things with my body when I’m motivated to do so. For example, I’ve ran a half marathon, and I’d love to run a full marathon. It’s kinda like my physical fitness dream, if you will.
- I tend to do horrible things to my body when I’m feeling anxious or depressed. For example, we recently had a great loss in our family, and I gave up my vow to quit alcohol for my health, thinking that I needed alcohol to get through that time.
- I’ve set myself up a baseline of not believing in myself when it comes to achieving great goals, and that needs to change, pronto. For example, even though I ran the half marathon, I still felt as though I ran a poorer race than I should have, and I still thought I was fat, despite my accomplishment.
So, the first question I have to ask is…why do I think poorly of myself?
Perhaps a bit of that was brow-beaten into me when I was a kid. Going back to the dreaded catholic school days, I was bullied by a group of boys who would regularly remind me I was fat. It was fairly relentless. They would try to slap my belly in the locker room before gym class “to see it ripple.” I mastered the art of changing my shirt underneath the shirt I was already wearing. Funny thing, looking back, was that I was not fat. I didn’t realize it at the time, because this all happened between ages 7 and 12 for me, so I just believed what the majority said about my body. Of course, my mother assured me that I was not fat, but her assurance was fighting a battle against a large group of belly-slapping peers. Sadly, I was too shy to ever tell a teacher. I never even told my mother about the belly-slapping. With everything else I had going against me socially at the time, it seemed like suicide to tell on the other kids. So, I just internalized everything, as I am apt to do still to this day.
There are many other factors that I could go into that worked against me, many of which I might go into detail in other entries, so as not to make this entire entry all about my personal and perceived beat-downs that eventually led me to hate my body and abuse it with food, alcohol, cigarettes, and occasional drugs over the course of a decade or so.
This is no longer about the bad. The bad shit has had its time. Now it’s time to kick some ass and treat myself the way I deserve to be treated. I am a runner. I am a non-smoker. I am no longer a drinker (my last drink was on July 2nd, for anyone else who wants to keep track/tag along). I am a father. I am a husband. I am an example to everyone around me of what it is like to respect yourself.
Now, that’s definitely not to say that I’m going to be judging anyone else at all. I’m not. This is my own shit that I’m dealing with, and I’ve come to this point on my own. If you have similar problems or needs in terms of improving your own health, then I welcome you to tag along. If you aren’t in that place, then so be it. But if you keep reading these entries and follow me along, then I’ll assume that you are either interested in my journey and are in support of what I am doing, or you are looking for motivation to do something similar for yourself.
No matter what you’re reading for, I’m writing this to hold myself accountable. I plan on posting updates on a weekly basis. I have other things to do in between, like work, write a book, and spend time with my family, so putting up weekly updates on my progress seems like an attainable goal. In between, you’ll see the usual stuff on here, and life will carry on.
But this is the beginning.
Today, I am 213.6 pounds. I attended my first Weight Watchers meeting in a long time. I went to a yoga class. I kept track of what I ate. I started writing a blog entry to be held accountable by by friends and strangers. This is a good start. I feel happy about this.
I chose Weight Watchers because it’s pretty goddamned sensible, as you can eat whatever, as long as you keep track. Sounds good to me. Plus, there’s meetings, and a weekly check-in in person couldn’t be bad.
I chose yoga to help with my anxieties and keep me loosened up in my mid/late thirties. Not bad to try and focus.
And I will choose running this week, because a part of me loves running. It forces me inside of my own head, and it’s something athletic that I’m kinda good at.
So…here are my goals for this week, to be reported on next Monday:
- Stick with keeping track of my food via the Weight Watchers algorithm or whatever they do that makes it work. It’s a point system, not calories. However it works, I’m going to stick to it.
- I’m going to go to yoga one more time this week.
- I’m going to run three times this week. Even if it has to be on the goddamned treadmill…I hate the treadmill.
- I’m going to ask for help when I need it, be it moral support or getting me to get back on track, should I derail.
That’s it for now. I would love any and all support, and if you need any support, do NOT hesitate to reach out to me.
Hey, thanks for reading. Sorry this wasn’t funny or particularly entertaining…perhaps you can read my entry on farts if you’re looking for a laugh.
For now…LET’S DO THIS!!!